Dark Churches

I grew up in a dark church. Although it instilled in me a life-long love of  sacred music and Gothic architecture, it’s theology was as pointed as the frames of the stained glass windows. It was a here/there church, where I was here and God was there, and life was a journey to reach God. Like a mountain, I was told to climb, and God would be waiting at the top. It was never said that way, but because there was clearly “a race set before me”, and because of my fallen nature I was “unworthy so much as to gather up the crumbs under the table,” my spiritual life became one of constant striving.

I’ve come to see what such a theological outlook has done to influence the rest of my life. I can see striving wherever I look – in every job and every relationship I’ve ever had. If I achieve this, people will admire my work. If I do this, he or she will like me. Even my life of recovery, which is supposed to be a life given, sometimes looks more like a duty assumed, another mountain to climb.

I write this in hopes that there are others out there who have grown up in similar churches, or have learned such an approach to life, and want to live life differently. I certainly do, but I have years of practice and will need to venture into this new approach one step at a time. 

God so loved the world, including me, that while we were still a complete mess God came and walked beside me. No longer am I here and God there, but we’re both here, side by side. As I list all the reasons why God should walk with someone more deserving, God turns and laughs. Nope, you can’t get rid of me that easy, God seems to say. You may want to use all your mistakes as a way to push me away, but it won’t work. I saw to it, once and for all.

Left without words, I feel God reach over and take my hand. I have no idea where we’re going, but it no longer really matters. I like where we are.