Dancing Backwards

“A rational creature consciously … reverses the acts the acts by which we fell, treads Adam’s dance backward, and returns.”

C. S. Lewis from The Problem of Pain

On a good day, I’ve given up hoping for a better past. Regardless how silly it is to want to erase certain moments, take back particular comments, or return to opportunities I let pass by, I sometimes find myself wanting to do just that even though I know it’s impossible. This passage from C. S. Lewis, however, made me see that there is something I can do today about what I did yesterday. I can tread “Adam’s dance backwards.”

People in recovery call it a “living amends,” but maybe we should call it, “dancing backwards.” When I refrain from using humor in a way that sometimes hurts, I’m dancing backwards. When I don’t think only of myself and put someone’s well-being ahead of mine, I’m dancing backwards. When I choose the harder right over the easier wrong, I’m dancing backwards.

A wise person once said to me when I was struggling to climb out of a hole of my own creating: “You can start by stop digging!” Now I know he was inviting me dance in a new way, a new direction. He was inviting me to dance backwards.

The music remains same; it’s the dance that changes.