Descending this Lent

     Walking in a Lenten direction.

Last night, I went to a movie about P. T. Barnum, the great circus creator. I’m not sure how much of it was accurate, but I was struck by his ability to imagine, his willingness to take chances, and how it almost cost him his family. In a confrontation with his wife in a particularly dark period, he confesses he pushed things so far because he wanted to be more than he was.

I felt convicted by his words. I can look back and see countless attempts to be more than I was. Instead of a circus, I used a school. Instead of entertaining, I used education. Instead of a red jacket, I used a collar. While the particulars are my own, I’m sure I’m not alone in striving to be someone other than who I am. It’s exhausting, and can end up costing us what matters most.

The season of Lent begins on Wednesday, and, while created by the Church to help followers prepare for Easter, it is often thought of as a time to give things up. Ironically, people often use the season to take more things on as they strive to be more than who they are. It becomes a divine self-improvement program, if you will, and I wonder if it isn’t time to use it in a new way. Instead of trying to be who we aren’t, maybe we should use it to become who we are.

On the surface, it might sound easy, but our strivings are deep-rooted and well disguised. Do we volunteer because we love the organization, or do we like to be able to say we volunteer? Do we love running a bank, or do we love being known as someone who runs a bank? Do we go to this party because we love these people, or do we go because we want to be sure to mingle with the right people?

It will take time and effort to separate our visions of who we might be from who we truly are. It will mean walking the spiritual stairs in a new direction. Instead of ascending the stairs and trying to become who we’ve always thought we were (or wanted to be), it will require descending and discerning who we truly are. It’s a new approach to an old season, but it can lead to new life on the other end, and wasn’t that point in the first place?