Getting It vs. Having It.
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I once heard the story of two old Princeton Alumni stumbling home from a festive evening. One of the men stumbled and fell into the nearby snow bank and couldn’t get up. His companion, unable to reach down and lift him up, simply plopped himself beside his friend while the two waited for help.
Although a humorous story to imagine, it also serves as a vivid illustration of true compassion. Having stumbled many times, I’ve always been moved not by the ones who came to my rescue, but those who sat beside me in my struggles.
In a recent class on communication I heard someone say “I want someone who gets it, not has it.” As he spoke further, I understood what he meant. When going through a difficult time or talking about a troubling issue, he didn’t want or need someone who has the answers (as tempting as that might sound sometimes), but rather someone who gets what he is going through. He wanted someone who gets it, not one who claims to have it.
To return to the opening illustration, instead of walking over to the man in the snow bank and pointing out how he might have avoided the fall, sitting beside another and acknowledging past stumbles of your own may serve better than a rescue.
I remember going to visit a minister to discuss my decision to stop drinking and all that led up to it. The conversation was humbling and difficult to have, but what happened in the minister’s study was a pastoral example of what happened on the wintery path in Princeton. The minister did not chide me over my moral failures, nor did he nod his head politely and offer a Bible passage or book to read. He smiled and said: “I’ve been there.” My look of surprise made him continue: “Fifteen years ago I was pretty much where you are now, and I know how it feels.”
He did not have any answers to give me, but he understood what I was going through. Suddenly the two of us were sitting beside each other, unified by our common humanity. My situation was not as lonely, nor overwhelming.
He got it.
He didn’t have it.