Old Paintings

I came across an old painting of mine and it caused me to cringe. The colors were obvious, perspective screwy, and composition all over the place. I paint better than that, I said to myself. I must have been proud of my work, why else would I have gone to the effort and expense to frame it? It once hung proudly on a wall but now leans against other paintings in a closet of my studio.

Over the next few days, I thought about that old painting. Rather than critique its shortcomings, I reminded myself it was as good as I could do at the time. Even though it was one of my first “really good pieces,” I was just a beginner. Now, I paint better. A more recent painting hangs where the other once did, and while I wish I was a better painter than I am, now, I know I’m growing - one brushstroke at a time. 

I need to apply this forgiving attitude to other aspects of my life. Whether its financial management, physical fitness, or diet, I need to see where I once was, not just where I need to go. More important, when I look at the spouse I am, the father, the friend, I could slide down a spiral of despair. Instead, I need to find “an old painting,” one that reveals the way I used to be. Then, I can see the progress I’ve made and continue on my way with hope. 

There’s a prayer used in 12-step recovery circles which captures what I’m so desperate to remember:

“I’m not who I want to be,

I’m not who I’m going to be,

but, thanks be to God, I’m not who I used to be.”